The end of 2011 was taken up with surviving. Getting by one day at a time dealing with the pain of a break up, awful sickness, the nursery run, finding a new house and moving in to it.
My thoughts have now turned to the question, “Where do we go from here?”
While getting away from my ex I hadn’t had a chance to stop and think. I then found out I was pregnant and my whole life changed in that moment. With being so ill I missed the exam for my Open University course. I had to rethink where I was going to live as the area I was in was far away from everything. With my daughter starting school soon my plans had been focussed on really getting going with my business.
It was up and running and I was doing well with building contacts. While living with my ex it was a constant fight to keep going with the business. He often made me feel guilty for being glued to the computer while trying to work and study. In his eyes my time was his. Things just got too much, the fibromyalgia that I have was getting worse with the stress and I had to stop working.
I couldn’t stop to think clearly about any of this until I had made it in to the safety of our new home.
For the first time in a long time I was sat on Christmas eve and feeling these crazy emotions calm, happy, excited. They should be the normal feelings that a mummy would feel the night before her wee girl opens all her pressies.
The chaos is gone, the pain of him not being a part of the carrot and mince pie eating is gone, wishing he was a part of the magic is history. It was never magical when he was a part of it, it was just grumpy chaos. He was more interested in getting a drink than being with us. Each year he made it seem like he was going to be around, then let me down the night before.
My plans for the new year so far look like this.
I have to write to the OU exam board to rearange an exam date. This is scaring me a little as the two possible dates are June and October. If they respond with the June exam date I am going to have a 2 month old baby and 4 year old girl in hand while revising. Eeeeeekk
I would like to finish the design of my blog. At the moment, looking at it, you wouldn’t know that I’m a graphic designer with there being barely any graphics on it!
I am going to go over all my business plans and figure out how I am going to make them work around my two girls. Pick out what I can do just now towards it all and think about when I would practically be able to go ahead with the bigger plans I had in mind.
When I was in school I was often absent due to my health and this brought on bullying. It really affected me emotionally and took me a long time to heal. I have been determined to find a way to get involved with Rapunzel’s school to keep a close eye on the bullying situation. I recently came across a charity called Beatbullying. They run an online program called cybermentoring. They train young people to help others online. With some funding they can also bring this in to schools to offer children face to face mentoring. So I have emailed them and I’m waiting to find out more about how I can get involved with helping young people that are struggling with bullying.
I’d like to spend more time with my friends and family. I have booked tickets for us to visit my best friend at the end of the month and we are talking about her coming here for the Wee Chameleon (baby’s nickname) being born. I have arranged to take Rapunzel to the cinema with my mum before the wee one arrives. My gran is planning a trip to Orkney for us in July. I’m also going to try and make regular visits to my friends and cousins that stay closer by. When your life is taken up with a chaotic man these simple visits become fewer and fewer.
I’m looking forward to this year. I am so happy to be safe in this house with my Rapunzel and Wee Chameleon on its way. I hope that your year is a good one and that you achieve whatever you set out to do with it and more.