I lost ‘me’
I had such high expectations, my whole life plan in place, dreams of a future so perfect. The trouble was that the man in my dreams, my first love, was very controlling.
He was suddenly all I had in my life. He was a very subtle mover, I’m not even sure he meant to do it. He saw me as his and wanted all of my attention. If I sat down to write he would interrupt me so often until I gave up writing and eventually reading. If I was going out with a friend I was made to feel guilty that he wasn’t a part of it, I couldn’t enjoy myself as he would ring and text over and over. If I didn’t answer straight away he would freak out thinking something was wrong. I soon stopped meeting my friends.
When we found ourselves struggling to cover for his car costs and rent he chose the car over our house and we had to move in with his parents for a while. He then started leaving me with his mum for company, going off to meet his friends. It seems I was safe with her and he wasn’t jealous of sharing me with her.
I have always had very strong opinions and principles, they constantly put me down with little comments here and there, I soon began to doubt myself.
I sometimes found a little bit of me when I had time to myself. In the summer I would sneak up on to the flat roof and sit reading for a little while though I struggled to concentrate. I would escape from the constant chaos of the house for walks through the hills. In the winter I would sit and stare in to the fire trying to remember the power I once felt I had.
When I fell pregnant I did everything I could to make it work. I nearly became this molded model that he and his family had pictured me to be. Until his mum went too far and agreed with the doctor that I was crazy to not take tests to find out if my baby had any disabilities. I would fight them all the way when it came to my baby and how things were going to be done.
Over time it became clear that our relationship was over. I lost myself in the process of trying to make it work and in the end I lost a husband, his family which I cared for as if they were my own, the prospect of the house that was to be built for us. The dreams and plans I had from when I was 15 years old were shattered.
The first year of my daughter’s life is a blur, she is now 4 years old and it took me until last year to be able to look at her baby photos. All those dates that are supposed to be written down and cherised like when she first smiled and the date her first tooth came through are lost, mixed up in the mess of my lost dreams.
A lot has happened since then. We have made it through the clutches of another controlling man and we are now free. It was once again my girl that made me realise the relationship was not right, it was because of her that I managed to pull us away from him, refusing to have her live a life controlled by him.
Now it’s just the two of us and we are happy. We live without the chaos that these men brought in to our lives. I stop and take time to cherish and enjoy each smile that spreads over her beautiful face. Every moment that should be cherised is now stored safely in my mind. I am now writing and reading again. I have managed to hold on to some close friends and I am even beginning to make new ones. I am becoming more confident and I am doing my best to not doubt myself.
I refuse to lose ‘me’ again. I refuse to let my life pass me in a blur.